Habits and Ego: The Ultimate recipe for Disaster

Note: This article is part of a series. To follow the series please follow these links: Loved and Lost? So What? And Emotions and Logic: The Eternal War.

Let’s kick start this with a hypothesis (let’s be scientists for a while, you can make choices as well). We are 20+ years old. We had some relationships (some good, some bad). We just started a course in a university (or not) and we meet someone we like (Gender/sexual orientations don’t matter).

This person probably lived before they met us. They have friends and family, if they are not aliens (aliens do too). Did I mention to keep them human and not a one night stands? Let’s say this is someone we REALLY like. Sorry for the parameters. They too have been through some relationships and they have an opinion about them, obviously.

Keep that in mind. Now, since our characters form through the different environments and influences, let us assume that when they were kids they were taught by their parents that "when you give you must receive". The simple game of: “You do that, you get that, you eat your food and you get an ice cream”. That “innocent game” teaches a more wide approach to life, of wanting when giving, simply because we learn through imitation and observation when we are young. Granted some people may escape from this, but most of us are kind of slaves to the genes and ways of teaching of our parents. Let’s also assume that through their teenage years and past relationships they learnt that when someone gets jealous that is a sign of love. These 2 behaviors, (limited to these 2 for the sake of keeping this simple) can cause a domino effect on our relationships with others. This might be you as well; this might even be me, even so.

These are habits. We all have them, maybe not those 2, but behaviours are formed like that, and when we have no one to question them before they become habits, they stay. Now let’s say “we” or “they” try to change one of these habits. There are 2 end results in this:

1.     “Great you are right, I see it now, it is so obvious, I will change IMMEDIATELY”
2.    Raise our shields, become defensive and maybe start an argument.

I am betting on the second one, purely on experience, I am sure you do too. For starters everyone in our lives so far has nurtured those behaviors. Probably no one told us “You are an idiot; this is not how it works”. Family and friends usually, if not always, won’t do it (they believe the same thing/they don’t want to hurt us/we are too defensive/they just don’t see it/they do not believe it is necessary to do so etc etc, Pick a reason; You know the drill by now). The second reason is that we are egoistic creatures to some extent. We believe we know ourselves and we act like this because it is fine, we are good people and we know what we are doing, we don’t want to hurt anyone. That is all fine, but most of the time when we are wrong we just can’t see it. That escalates in relationships, because 2 people with different views clash. If those 2 people are not willing to admit their wrong doings and work together are probably going to fail sooner or later right?

Let’s end this hypothesis here. Think of a person in your life (if not yourself) that is in a dysfunctional relationship, they know it and they can’t seem to escape or find any solutions to their problems. Are they crazy? No, they are people, with feelings. What they fail to see is the root of the problem. They question how they can solve those problems in the short term, but not what the root of all evil is. When someone creates a situation they know it will create jealousy, they initiate that certain response from their partner which is linked to feeling loved. It doesn’t matter how good their partner is, or what they offer them, because what they associate caring and love with, is jealousy. The truth is we might not even realize it, because as said before we do not see it. This doesn’t make them or us bad people, and yes some behaviors might be utterly destructive, but that's the way it is.

The ability to recognize what is wrong, gives a more healthy approach towards human relationships in general. This knowledge opens up a door in the human mind and behavior, and leads to better understanding ourselves and "Why" rather than "How" people operate in general. With making that a habit we can apply it to more aspects of our daily lives, because it gives us the opportunity to look at life under a different light. The emotional drive and impulsive behaviours lessen, giving way to a more clear and precise opinion otherwise impossible to comprehend and accept. It also gives us the tools to solve problems by looking for the answer to the right places, rather than just becoming defensive and self-centered. We are suddenly more open to hear what we did wrong, and to admit it rather than rationalize and defend what we do or say or believe. This is the essence of every healthy conversation or argument, to reach conclusions based on facts and to address the problem as it is.

Our inability to realize and accept that we are in the wrong, combined with the acceptance of certain behaviors when we are in a relationship is what creates dysfunctional relationships. The big question though is whether to change, or to find someone who accepts these minor or major behavioral problems. Is this the search for those that love the imperfections and they are able to love regardless? Are we slaves to these habits or is there any redemption?

Let’s end this long post here. Think of the relationships you had or witnessed and try to find the root of the problem by disregarding any emotional attachments you might have. Better yet think of all the good relationships you know, find what makes them work against those who don’t work, some defining differences may show up.

Part 4: “The Elephant in the Room”

“We cannot live better than in seeking to become better.” - Socrates