So, I've heard body image campaigns are a good thing

It seems that every day there is a new campaign about body image. Am I alone in this or do other people find these campaigns absolutely pointless? I’ve been questioning myself; what is so special about them, do they really help people? It appears that we are so caught up in these movements that we do not think about what they actually represent. It is marketing after all, and creation of brand loyalty, that is why all these campaigns feature (here is the latest campaign) only curvy women, or even what is commonly considered as being overweight. The question remains, why not celebrate all sizes instead of just one? And the answer is simply because the brand they are trying to promote doesn’t really care about the root of the problem as much as getting recognized

The biggest problem with these campaigns is that they pride themselves in promoting awareness or shuttering stereotypes. Everyone has their own taste and is entitled to their own opinion, and of course a woman should feel content with herself.  Let’s get real though.  People who have a problem with their weight and/or body image will never feel better because of a campaign or an advertisement. What do you know? You might wonder. Well having an anorexic person in the family and dealing with more than 8 years of weight problems I can tell you 1 thing, NOT ONE person who said “You look fine”, “Eat more” or any other encouraging words has helped. Even the nutritionists I visited throughout the years had no effect.

This is mainly because most of the eating disorders are psychological, that is why people need specialized treatment to get over them. I understand that these campaigns do not aim to help those people. They rather encourage the notion that what is considered fat or curvy is equally as attractive, but I believe they are far from hitting the target. The major problem with these campaigns is the promotion of a specific beauty standard whether it is by promoting skinny or curvy or fat. Perception of beauty is different for each and every one of us, what happened to “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”? At this point you might be wondering, “Should we just not run these campaigns?”

Here is an idea, how about focusing on promoting health? It doesn’t matter if someone is a size X, people differ and they shouldn’t be judged on size anyway, they should however take responsibility for their health. Let’s assume someone with an x amount of weight is not healthy, it doesn’t matter what size he/she is, because having heart/liver/cholesterol or whatever health problem may be, is the real problem he needs to address. That’s what I had to realize and fight as well, not someone’s opinion or the perception of beauty some fashion industry tries to promote for the benefiting their brand. I might be missing something here, but bottom line, trying to promote any kind of beauty is hopeless; trying to educate people about health is what’s really important. We don’t need to accept our size to be happier, because it doesn’t matter, health and character though matter a lot. 

Women Assemble:Saving the World

Note: This is part 2 of Women Assemble series. Check out the first part here Women Assemble:The Easy Question

Let me drop the "f" word so we can get it over with. Feminism. It seems that this word is so misinterpreted in 2014, and if you think that’s how many years we have been undermining women or lived on this planet, I have some news for you. It should be written as 200,000 years or if you go by the religious calendar about 6,000 years. What does this have to do with anything? Well considering women have been let to believe they are inferior for let’s say 199,940 or 5,440 of those years (considering there is about 60 years women fight for equal rights), it can be said that our DNA/Biology got used to us being assholes to them. Fear not though, for evolution is taking place.

Following recent events on women’s rights and feminism (watch Emma Watson’s speech here if you haven’t already) I can’t stop thinking that everyone seems to be focusing on how men should take action or how women are deprived of certain rights, or how the speakers do not represent what the fight for equal rights stands for. Which are all correct to an extent, but I think they do not answer some essential questions. The fight for gender equality is going on for a few decades now, things are getting better slowly though and I’m guessing some people are also thinking that there is nothing new to be told, or they are tired of all of this, but unfortunately these statements are far from the truth

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Gender equality has a spill-over effect on every aspect of society. Race equality, LGBT rights and every other form of equality is closely related with gender equality. People who believe in equality do not focus on one aspect of it like gender or racial or LGTB rights. They believe humans should be equal. All of them. Not just some. ALL.

The biggest enemy of this fight, I believe, is habit. We lived centuries in undermining if not promoting inequality amongst certain groups and not only that, we have society’s structure to fight against too. Let’s say we solve all these equality problems then the question remains- “how equal are we on society’s structure”. Every fight is important; every fight takes us to the next stage of achieving equality across the board. Why fight? How do you keep people fighting for these causes?

The motivation lays in the cracks of what the world would be like if everyone was equal. Gender equality will help everyone, not only women, but the world in general. It will promote every kind of equality in every level. If gender equality is realized it will inspire and transform the current way of thinking.

The effect will only be visible in the future generations, that’s why we need to keep striving to inform, to keep the conversation alive. We might not see the change, but we will be a step closer to make it possible. It’s not about women, it’s not about A or B cause, it’s about everything we stand for as humanity. Educating the future generations on these causes is the answer for change. Just like young people are educated about global warming and they are trying to do something about it. There is a shift of culture in making the world better rather than living in it, making the best of what we have, or accepting paradigms.

So why are they saving the world? Because they fight for all of us, they fight for something bigger than them-to make humanity better- to change the paradigms-to change beliefs forged centuries ago in the human brain-for this generation and the future generations-to eventually change the world. It doesn’t even matter if they realize this or not, maybe this is what we need to understand, maybe it’s what I would like to believe. One thing’s for sure, the fight is not even close to being over, for human equality is still just a dream. 

The Elephant in the Room

Note: This is part 4 of a series; please follow the links to the previous articles here:  Loved and Lost? So What?, Emotions and Logic: The Eternal War and Habits and Ego: The Ultimate recipe for Disaster

I have read so many articles about relationships. How to get her/him, What to do/say on the first date, How to dress, How to speak, Where you should take her, The car, The dress code, The movie choice….. The list goes on and on, you don’t need me to list them, you've read them, I've read them, enough. What do all these suggestions make us? What is the Elephant in the room? We lie, to us to them, to win. Behave a certain way, make the right choice and you win basically. That is fine, if you are looking to manipulate someone, or if you are looking for a one night thing, be my guest that’s probably the way to go. What is bad though is that this behavior is acceptable when dating in general.

Let me get this straight. We are supposedly dating someone right? We do all those things, we lie, we make ourselves interesting etc etc we get into a relationship with them, and that’s winning? That sounds more like someone sold us still water and turns out its piss. Every lie we tell to ourselves and every move we make to win someone over that is not us, is cheating, and at some point in the relationship it's going to show.

Let me ask you this. How many times have you heard the “he/she wasn’t like this” or “he/she didn’t used to act like that”? That is not because people change (which they do), that is because people lie and when they show their true colors their partners don’t like what they see. They do not like that they don’t dress beautiful anymore, because they did it to win, they do not get how suddenly they don’t have things in common because they acted like it to win, they do not like how they don’t go anywhere anymore because they did it to win. People do a lot of crazy stuff to feel loved. The first thing they do is lie. Why?

Honesty exposes us:

When someone speaks the truth, they are exposed. Exposed to ridicule, anger and doubt. They are exposed to losing the game of acceptance by someone. Relationships are all about whether the other person accepts us, not as we are but as we show. If we show our true colors from the beginning we might be rejected, that’s why we have developed all those techniques of covering up our faults or our real self. The moment we are dishonest with ourselves, our beliefs, our actions, is the moment we create a domino effect on our relationships with people. Not only when dating but with our friends and family as well. We lie because it’s easy, no one will ridicule us if we agree with something, and we feel accepted.  Our date will not reject us because we are doing everything right; we say and do as taught, to win. The sad part is when we are exposed, we lie even more, because we don’t want to be exposed but accepted, so deny, deny, deny right? It's rare for someone to admit, "I was wrong and I am sorry"; especially when they break up or if they were lying about something. Instead they try to rationalize their actions.

Honesty hurts:

The main reason we hide the truth is because we might make someone feel bad and we just back off. It doesn’t make us bad people, but at the same time we are not helping anyone either. Shock and Awe is something vital, because after that effect and if the person really wants to change and grow they will eventually get it, even if it takes years. The moment we say the truth we planted a seed of doubt to that brain that will be triggered down the line. We might not be there when it does, but it will.

The point of love is to be exposed and accept that it might be hurtful. At least if honesty is a virtue we possess and strive towards, love can be honest as well. Honesty can ease the pain of the whys of break ups; it can grow the individual rather than destroy him/her; it can make us empathize more with our friends and family; it builds relationships rather than breaking them down. First though we need to be true; to us first, to the people around us, and to accept that we are going to fuck up but at least we stood up for what we believed and our time was not wasted. The only way to grow is to stop lying; stop lying about who we are. At the end of the day we all want people to love us for who we are, not for who we pretend to be.

YouTube:

The Truth about Dishonesty

Honest Liars

Imposters

The Dilemma of Honesty

Shared Love: Flash Fiction Challenge 2014

It’s his favorite part of the day, his heart always races as he gets closer to the rocking chair, the memories spark life in his heart. His mind is already gone; the process becomes almost trance like. He always tries to enjoy it more, to stop and enjoy every part of it. He sits in his chair, the right one. His wrinkled blue eyes shimmer under the night light; he looks at the other chair, he smiles. He lights the cigar and he leaves it in the ash tray. The night breeze kisses his cheeks and he fades away into his memories.

-“Where is it Ellie?” he gasps,

-"I don’t know how you lose that so many times!" she says in a patronizing tone,

She is a trouble maker, that’s for sure. She is trying to break his cool, but he knows it’s her way of saying that she cares. He sees her as she is, he always did. A woman, a partner, he never really grasped how she can be so open to the world around her. He doesn’t care though, he needs it as well. She is the driving force that makes him better after all. Determined, he steps in the room. He glares at her. Her red hair glows as the sun bathes her and her sincere smile wipes out his intentions; he always falls for her, every time he looks at her.  She throws him his lucky charm.

-“Do you really need that, when you have me?” She argues,

-“How else are you going to mess with me” He responds,

She jumps on him,

-“Stay.” she whispers,

-“Stop messing with me” He demands,

Her lips bend his knees, he is struggling to leave, but she pushes him out, she knows he can’t resist her.

-“Meet you at the post office” she says with a caring voice,

-“I couldn’t forget” he winks at her,

He never lies, that’s his greatest attribute. This time he had to. It’s their meeting point, or so she thinks. He thinks about all those letters she sent him while he was away at war.

-“I write letters to you because I need to express my love as much as possible. They are a piece of me, unscripted and raw feelings.” –she used to tell him. She always signed them with “What I have is love, and that’s all I have to give you, my love”. They kept him alive all those years. Her image, words and passion filled his lungs with life. She made him lust and love and fight for something greater than him.

He booked the whole place, just for her. She is a simple person, and he knows that. He can’t explain this love either, but he doesn’t care about explaining. Showing is more important to him than anything else. He always thinks of them as one, stripped of ego. Maybe the greatest lesson he learned from her was letting go of his fears and resentment.  She showed him what shared love can do.

She sits on her chair. The one on the left. She lights her cigar. She knows he doesn’t approve, but he never mentions it. She only smokes one a day. It is a ritual more than anything. She allows herself to get lost in herself. When they are together, they don’t even speak during that time, but they grow closer.

The time is closing in. She wears a stunning icy blue dress to match his eyes. The concert is at 8, she is ready way early. She is always reminded of her trips to the post office to send him letters. It was their point of contact. Without it they could not communicate. They could not share their love. She could not be as close to him as she was. They wouldn’t exist as they are. She gets in a taxi, she feels calm, like always when she is going to meet him.

The Taxi stops in front of the Post Office. She gets off. The soft rain falls down her face. She looks up and smiles. The building stands tall. The lights tremble as if they are humbled by her beauty.  She looks at the door. A sign reads “I don’t need it, I only need you”. She walks through the door. Through the shadows he emerges. Like a knight in shining armor, he is kneeled for his queen. All the letters they send to each other from the first to the last form a trail to him. The arches of the building create an awe like atmosphere. Her presence sends shivers down his spine.

-“I am here, only to say thank you. I won’t say I will love you forever, because I already do. I won’t ask for your love, it is yours to give. I will only ask you to kiss me the way you do, talk the way you do, love the way you do, change the way you do. I only promise to be there, to change with you, to take this journey with you. I have been to hell and back, back to my heaven, and I am not leaving again” His voice is warm, steady and clear.

She kneels,

-“I knew what heaven was for a long time now. I am not willing to leave it either.” She responds.

A tear of joy runs down his cheek. In that room his life was saved. With those letters his love grew. In that moment he felt complete. Her ash tray is still with him, her cigar draws her closer, her ritual makes him feel one with her. The moonlight shines on his face for the last time. This is the last tear, the last cigar, the last memory and the last smile. He loved. He was loved. He didn’t ask for more.

Habits and Ego: The Ultimate recipe for Disaster

Note: This article is part of a series. To follow the series please follow these links: Loved and Lost? So What? And Emotions and Logic: The Eternal War.

Let’s kick start this with a hypothesis (let’s be scientists for a while, you can make choices as well). We are 20+ years old. We had some relationships (some good, some bad). We just started a course in a university (or not) and we meet someone we like (Gender/sexual orientations don’t matter).

This person probably lived before they met us. They have friends and family, if they are not aliens (aliens do too). Did I mention to keep them human and not a one night stands? Let’s say this is someone we REALLY like. Sorry for the parameters. They too have been through some relationships and they have an opinion about them, obviously.

Keep that in mind. Now, since our characters form through the different environments and influences, let us assume that when they were kids they were taught by their parents that "when you give you must receive". The simple game of: “You do that, you get that, you eat your food and you get an ice cream”. That “innocent game” teaches a more wide approach to life, of wanting when giving, simply because we learn through imitation and observation when we are young. Granted some people may escape from this, but most of us are kind of slaves to the genes and ways of teaching of our parents. Let’s also assume that through their teenage years and past relationships they learnt that when someone gets jealous that is a sign of love. These 2 behaviors, (limited to these 2 for the sake of keeping this simple) can cause a domino effect on our relationships with others. This might be you as well; this might even be me, even so.

These are habits. We all have them, maybe not those 2, but behaviours are formed like that, and when we have no one to question them before they become habits, they stay. Now let’s say “we” or “they” try to change one of these habits. There are 2 end results in this:

1.     “Great you are right, I see it now, it is so obvious, I will change IMMEDIATELY”
2.    Raise our shields, become defensive and maybe start an argument.

I am betting on the second one, purely on experience, I am sure you do too. For starters everyone in our lives so far has nurtured those behaviors. Probably no one told us “You are an idiot; this is not how it works”. Family and friends usually, if not always, won’t do it (they believe the same thing/they don’t want to hurt us/we are too defensive/they just don’t see it/they do not believe it is necessary to do so etc etc, Pick a reason; You know the drill by now). The second reason is that we are egoistic creatures to some extent. We believe we know ourselves and we act like this because it is fine, we are good people and we know what we are doing, we don’t want to hurt anyone. That is all fine, but most of the time when we are wrong we just can’t see it. That escalates in relationships, because 2 people with different views clash. If those 2 people are not willing to admit their wrong doings and work together are probably going to fail sooner or later right?

Let’s end this hypothesis here. Think of a person in your life (if not yourself) that is in a dysfunctional relationship, they know it and they can’t seem to escape or find any solutions to their problems. Are they crazy? No, they are people, with feelings. What they fail to see is the root of the problem. They question how they can solve those problems in the short term, but not what the root of all evil is. When someone creates a situation they know it will create jealousy, they initiate that certain response from their partner which is linked to feeling loved. It doesn’t matter how good their partner is, or what they offer them, because what they associate caring and love with, is jealousy. The truth is we might not even realize it, because as said before we do not see it. This doesn’t make them or us bad people, and yes some behaviors might be utterly destructive, but that's the way it is.

The ability to recognize what is wrong, gives a more healthy approach towards human relationships in general. This knowledge opens up a door in the human mind and behavior, and leads to better understanding ourselves and "Why" rather than "How" people operate in general. With making that a habit we can apply it to more aspects of our daily lives, because it gives us the opportunity to look at life under a different light. The emotional drive and impulsive behaviours lessen, giving way to a more clear and precise opinion otherwise impossible to comprehend and accept. It also gives us the tools to solve problems by looking for the answer to the right places, rather than just becoming defensive and self-centered. We are suddenly more open to hear what we did wrong, and to admit it rather than rationalize and defend what we do or say or believe. This is the essence of every healthy conversation or argument, to reach conclusions based on facts and to address the problem as it is.

Our inability to realize and accept that we are in the wrong, combined with the acceptance of certain behaviors when we are in a relationship is what creates dysfunctional relationships. The big question though is whether to change, or to find someone who accepts these minor or major behavioral problems. Is this the search for those that love the imperfections and they are able to love regardless? Are we slaves to these habits or is there any redemption?

Let’s end this long post here. Think of the relationships you had or witnessed and try to find the root of the problem by disregarding any emotional attachments you might have. Better yet think of all the good relationships you know, find what makes them work against those who don’t work, some defining differences may show up.

Part 4: “The Elephant in the Room”

“We cannot live better than in seeking to become better.” - Socrates 

You Loved and Lost? So What?

If you found that one, this post is not for you, and congratulations you made it! For the rest of us though it's a jungle out there!

What I find interesting and hypocritical at the same time is that you hear people around you say that everyone else sucks, the opposite gender sucks and no one cares about relationships, yet everyone has the same problem. So let me get this straight, no one gives a shit, but everyone has a problem with it. There is only one logical conclusion, everyone cares. The only people who don't care will show it to you one way or another. If we are capable of actually recognizing it ourselves. I know it's all good in theory. I've been there, I'm not that ignorant of the situation.

Here is the cold hard truth, we will get screwed over. I am not the first one who loved and lost, you are not the first one who loved and lost, everyone did at some point. If you didn't then you are in for a treat when it happens so here is what to expect when it does hit you.

The cliché part:

1. All the songs are made for our "situation" although before we didn't even give a shit about those songs
2. We can't stop wondering why the hell this happened
3. We constantly think what we can say/do to get back together
4. We hate them, but love them at the same time
5. We notice them Online and we are praying they send us a message
6. They look so happy single, we hate them even more, but you want them to be happy (happy with us)
7. We pray they miss us and come back
8. We see them somewhere and we feel like our heart is going to give up right then and there
9. Avoid contact at any time, yet text them because they didn't
10. Hate on them to friends, but we have a problem when they hate on them

You can see where I'm going with this. You can probably relate to some, if not all, and so can I. Why we feel that way? The dreadful word "ego" comes to mind. No, actually love has little to do with it. We can't possibly imagine what we did wrong and that sucks so bad. Someone said to us "You are not good enough and fuck you, I am better alone". Who the hell wants to be alone? No one, that's why after a few weeks you notice they moved on. Still hurts doesn't it; Even if we don't think of them as often. That is because we are losing this, we've been screwed over, here we are alone, and they seem so happy. It's all part of the "process". We can cry, get angry, like those two helped before. It is only natural and even if we don't believe we can find someone else ever again, we will eventually. Funny the way it is.

We need answers. Is love something we can control? We Loved and Lost. So What? What then? Become desperately pessimistic? Trust no one ever again? Test them until they prove they are worth it? Become the asshole or the slut because "no one cares"? What would you do.

Part 2:"Emotions and Logic: The Eternal War"

Emotions and Logic: The Eternal War

Love is the most undefined word of them all. Different for everyone, depending on expectations, situations, people and the environment we grow up in. I could bore you with all the scientific details...and I will; I will try to make it as painless as possible, if not hopeful. Science is pretty clear (SCIENCE IS THE EVIL THAT RUINS THE BEAUTY OF LOVE, relax, it doesn't ruin everything if not anything). Here are the key points:

Being in love stimulates the part of the brain responsible for:

1. Dopamine levels (the feel good hormone)

2. Wanting

3. Motivation

4. Focus

5. Craving

Falling in love triggers the same brain activity as cocaine.  *Enter sarcastic tone* Oh, the drug relation, how unorthodox *end*. The driving force of this feeling though has a raw reason for it's existence. Nature intends to make us fall in love. The expansion and continuation of our race is why "falling in love" exists in the first place.

This is not the purpose of this post though. It is Emotions vs Logic. Well we are in good fortune, because it is both. To be able to understand the root of all suffering, which is breaking up, we need to understand what the hell happens in our brain. By doing that we can change the perception of how we view break ups, and why we react the way we do when it happens. This gives us the power to somewhat control those emotions, and our brain runs through that process. Every break up afterwards is then easier. The thought process goes through the emotional stages faster and gets out of them as fast. This is evident in things that involve fear as well. When someone bungee jumps for the first time, the feeling is not the same as bungee jumping for the 10th time. This is because we learn what to expect, and what the process is for that specific act and the brain reacts according to that data. Thus realising what the root of all emotions we go through is, is the first step of making it easier if it happens again.

When breaking up, all the feelings we experience with falling in love enhance. I know, screw that right? We become OCD positive, and we are willing to take big risks to be with that person. Even if it means losing big, meaning breaking up again. That is why most relapses in relationships (going back) do not work out.

We are egoistic bastards as well. Down to the bone of us, ego drives our lives. Even when we do something good and we ask nothing in return, we know that act will make us feel good, that is still ego. I found the hard way with personal choices, that the battle with ego is hard to win. Simply because we are the enemy. When we break up, this battle enhances, we can’t grasp why someone would leave us. Our self-value drops, we feel unappreciated and we become pessimistic. All these are causes for obsessive behaviour and unrealistic view of the situation.

My personal experience, not only with myself but people around me has taught me a few things. The people who find break ups more difficult than most are those who think being in a relationship as the ultimate goal in their lives. People with low self-value/low self-esteem also tend to go back to relationships, mainly because the first person to give them the much needed boost is the ex.  Also some people cannot live alone for a long time, so jumping from one relationship to another makes total sense, again because they seek validation through relationships. What I aim to present here is that people do bad things and make wrong decisions not because they are bad people but because they do not understand themselves as much, or the cause of their actions and emotions. Lying to ourselves is a real problem, especially when it comes to admitting we were wrong. That is why many times we do as much as possible to make us feel relieved, like we are not in the wrong.  I’ve been there, I’ve done that, Loved and Lost remember?

Think about it. How does the brain react to that situation? Why all those positive feelings turn to bad? How can this change? What might be the possible answers to the problem? Blaming us or the other person or hoping they will come back help? Let me give you a breather, take it all in, let you think for yourselves a bit, and I will do the research and get back to you as soon as possible.

Part 3:“Habits and Ego: The Ultimate recipe for disaster”

Food for thought:

The articles:

Ten Science facts about Love

How Love controls us

Ted Talks:

Select the right relationship

Helen Fisher: Why we love, Why we cheat

Yann Dall'Aglio: Love -- you're doing it wrong

Helen Fisher: The Brain in Love