Note: This is part 4 of a series; please follow the links to the previous articles here: Loved and Lost? So What?, Emotions and Logic: The Eternal War and Habits and Ego: The Ultimate recipe for Disaster
I have read so many articles about relationships. How to get
her/him, What to do/say on the first date, How to dress, How to speak, Where
you should take her, The car, The dress code, The movie choice….. The list goes
on and on, you don’t need me to list them, you've read them, I've read them,
enough. What do all these suggestions make us? What is the Elephant in the room?
We lie, to us to them, to win. Behave a certain way, make the right choice and
you win basically. That is fine, if you are looking to manipulate someone, or
if you are looking for a one night thing, be my guest that’s probably the way
to go. What is bad though is that this behavior is acceptable when dating in
general.
Let me get this straight. We are supposedly dating someone
right? We do all those things, we lie, we make ourselves interesting etc etc we
get into a relationship with them, and that’s winning? That sounds more like
someone sold us still water and turns out its piss. Every lie we tell to
ourselves and every move we make to win someone over that is not us, is
cheating, and at some point in the relationship it's going to show.
Let me ask you this. How many times have you heard the “he/she
wasn’t like this” or “he/she didn’t used to act like that”? That is not because
people change (which they do), that is because people lie and when they show
their true colors their partners don’t like what they see. They do not like
that they don’t dress beautiful anymore, because they did it to win, they do
not get how suddenly they don’t have things in common because they acted like
it to win, they do not like how they don’t go anywhere anymore because they did
it to win. People do a lot of crazy stuff to feel loved. The first thing they
do is lie. Why?
Honesty exposes us:
When someone speaks
the truth, they are exposed. Exposed to ridicule, anger and doubt. They are
exposed to losing the game of acceptance by someone. Relationships are all
about whether the other person accepts us, not as we are but as we show. If we show
our true colors from the beginning we might be rejected, that’s why we have developed all those techniques of covering up our faults or our real self. The
moment we are dishonest with ourselves, our beliefs, our actions, is the moment
we create a domino effect on our relationships with people. Not only when
dating but with our friends and family as well. We lie because it’s easy, no
one will ridicule us if we agree with something, and we feel accepted. Our date will not reject us because we are
doing everything right; we say and do as taught, to win. The sad part is when
we are exposed, we lie even more, because we don’t want to be exposed but
accepted, so deny, deny, deny right? It's rare for someone to admit, "I was
wrong and I am sorry"; especially when they break up or if they were lying about something. Instead they try to rationalize their actions.
Honesty hurts:
The main reason we hide the truth is because we might make someone feel bad and we just back off. It doesn’t make us bad people, but at the same time we are
not helping anyone either. Shock and Awe is something vital, because after that
effect and if the person really wants to change and grow they will eventually get
it, even if it takes years. The moment we say the truth we planted a seed of
doubt to that brain that will be triggered down the line. We might not be there
when it does, but it will.
The point of love is to be exposed and accept that it might
be hurtful. At least if honesty is a virtue we possess and strive towards, love
can be honest as well. Honesty can ease the pain of the whys of break ups; it
can grow the individual rather than destroy him/her; it can make us empathize
more with our friends and family; it builds relationships rather than breaking
them down. First though we need to be true; to us first, to the people around
us, and to accept that we are going to fuck up but at least we stood up for
what we believed and our time was not wasted. The only way to grow is to stop
lying; stop lying about who we are. At the end of the day we all want people to love us for who we are, not for who we pretend to be.
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